The criteria for choosing a spouse according to the Sunnah
Choosing a spouse is one of the most important decisions in a Muslim's life. The Prophet ﷺ did not leave us without guidance.
The four traditional criteria
The Prophet ﷺ said:
"A woman is married for four reasons: her wealth, her lineage, her beauty and her religion. Choose the one with religion, and you will prosper." — Sahih Al-Bukhari & Muslim
This hadith teaches us that while these four criteria may be taken into account, religion must be the priority criterion.
1. Wealth (المال)
Wealth is not a blameworthy criterion in itself. However, it must not be the deciding factor.
What to check:
- Ability to provide for the household
- Absence of excessive debt
- A sound view of money
2. Lineage (النسب)
Family and upbringing have their importance. A good lineage can indicate good values passed down.
What to check:
- A practising family
- A healthy family environment
- Shared family values
3. Beauty (الجمال)
Physical attraction is natural and important for the longevity of the marriage.
What to check:
- Mutual attraction
- A well-kept appearance
- General health
4. Religion (الدين)
This is THE essential criterion. A pious person will be:
- A good wife/a good husband
- A good parent
- A support in worship
The criteria for women
For women (and their guardians), the Prophet ﷺ said:
"If someone whose religion and character you are pleased with asks for your daughter's hand, then marry her to him." — At-Tirmidhi
The criteria are therefore:
- Religion (الدين)
- Character (الخلق)
What is meant by "good character"?
- Gentleness and patience
- Honesty and uprightness
- Ability to communicate
- Respect towards others
- Control of anger
Practical questions to ask
On religious practice
- Does he/she pray the 5 prayers on time?
- What is his/her understanding of Islam?
- What is his/her relationship with the Qur'an?
- How does he/she envision the religious education of the children?
On character
- How does he/she handle conflict?
- How does he/she behave with his/her family?
- What are his/her priorities in life?
- What are his/her flaws and how does he/she work on them?
On the life plan
- Where does he/she wish to live?
- What vision of marriage does he/she have?
- What role for each in the home?
- How many children does he/she want?
Warning signs
Be vigilant about:
❌ Neglected prayers
❌ Bad behaviour with family
❌ Excessive anger
❌ Lies (even "small" ones)
❌ Lack of respect towards parents
❌ Addiction (screens, substances...)
❌ Excessive haste
The prayer of guidance (Istikhara)
After checking the objective criteria, perform the istikhara prayer:
"O Allah, if You know that this matter is good for me in my religion, my worldly life and my Hereafter, then decree it for me and make it easy for me, then bless it for me. And if You know that this matter is bad for me in my religion, my worldly life and my Hereafter, then turn it away from me and turn me away from it, and decree for me the good wherever it may be, then make me content with it."
Conclusion
The choice of a spouse must be:
- Considered: Take the necessary time
- Guided: Base yourself on the Sunnah
- Accompanied: Involve the guardian and pious relatives
- Spiritual: Perform the istikhara and place your trust in Allah
May Allah grant you a spouse who will be the coolness of your eyes.